Let’s get one thing straight: I’m 19 years old. I wasn’t alive for Walter Cronkite. I didn’t watch the moon landing live, and I don’t own a rabbit-eared television or trust anyone who uses the phrase “trusted news source” unironically. I grew up in the era of BREAKING NEWS graphics, scrolling death counts, and news anchors who treat every Tuesday like it’s DEFCON 1.
The news today isn’t news. It’s a 24/7 panic attack with commercial breaks.
Turn on any major network, and the narrative is so predictable it might as well be a Mad Lib. Republicans bad. Democrats good. Trump evil. Kamala Harris a misunderstood saint walking among us, who also makes a mean lentil stew. You could fall asleep during a segment, wake up ten years later, and still be right in the middle of Wolf Blitzer trying to figure out where Iowa is on a touchscreen map.
The coverage is so slanted, I need Dramamine just to sit through a segment. Every story is twisted to fit the same tired arc: Democrats trying heroically to save the country from climate change, racism, capitalism, and words they don’t like—while Republicans are apparently trying to light the country on fire while cutting taxes for babies.
And don’t get me started on the Trump obsession. The man hasn’t been in office for years, yet he still gets more screen time than the weather. I half expect him to be blamed for hurricanes. “Tropical Storm Kevin is barreling toward the East Coast—experts say this weather pattern was intensified by Trump’s withdrawal from the Paris Climate Accord and his refusal to recycle.”
Meanwhile, President Biden could accidentally declare war on Sweden and CNN would cover it like this: “A bold, innovative foreign policy shift rooted in empathy.”
Kamala Harris, who can barely string together a sentence without sounding like she’s explaining metaphysics to a poodle, is treated like a cross between Oprah, Joan of Arc, and that one teacher in high school who always reminded you she had a law degree. If she smiles at a preschooler, it’s a breaking news chyron: “VP Harris Empowers Youth with Facial Expression of Compassion.”
But flip the channel and a Republican says something slightly off-script—maybe they express concern about inflation or mention that crime is bad—and suddenly it’s “GOP DOG WHISTLE? Experts say yes.” The “experts” are always conveniently from Berkeley, NPR, or the last known location of AOC’s book club.
So well written. So true. So funny.
I want you as my new best friend.
I don’t even look at the nightly news anymore, I watch the orioles lose every night.